one word: firstdatebathroomanal
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
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