Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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