I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
