You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
