so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
