I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
