the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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