He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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