I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Holy sore nipples Batman
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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