Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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