Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
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i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
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My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.