Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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