yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
