this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
