I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
