farters have to be the big spoon...
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
