you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
