Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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