You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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