so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Randomize
