Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
