A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
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Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
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Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."