I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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