I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
