I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
A+ Viking dick
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
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