i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
