listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
