You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
