If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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