Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
