cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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