I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
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