i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
