I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.  Â
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
OPIZZABONMYDICK
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
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