one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
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