This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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