ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
