I smell stomach acid.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
