I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
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No I am not eating basil off your cock
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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