before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
