Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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