My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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