i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
