this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
why do cheetos always look like penises
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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