so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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