I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
