Pants 0. Shit 1.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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