I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
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