saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
