We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Randomize
