You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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