I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Randomize
