Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
