i dedicated my morning wood to you.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
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Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
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Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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